Sunday rituals...

 
March 29, 2011


“My Letter to Brian Doyle”


Dear Brian Doyle:

So, I occasionally attend a nice little Unitarian Universalist church here in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Nestled in the woods near Mallard Creek, the church building actually looks more like a nature center than a place of worship.  That is probably what attracted me to this particular UU church in the first place.

Though I was a practicing Catholic as a young person (alter boy, twelve years of Catholic school -- the final four at an all-boys high school in the heart of Pittsburgh) I now find myself questioning the divinity of Jesus and seeking comfort in the literature, generosity, and passion of the Unitarians.

Last Sunday, I had convinced one of my sons to attend Sunday services with me.  This feat typically requires some form of sugar bribery involving either Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts.  And Ben, who is nine, always insists that I articulate clearly – prior to his committing to the trip by getting into the car -- whether we will be stopping for coffee and his vanilla bean BEFORE church or for a Boston crème-filled donut AFTER services.

Satisfied by our negotiations, Ben sat quietly in the back seat for the short drive. We parked and got into church a few minutes before the 10:30 chimes.

Here’s my first confession.  I chose this church partly because it looks like a camp site.  I continue going to the church, in part, because in the waiting area outside the main room, there is a stack of old Orion and Sierra Club magazines on a “book exchange” shelf.

I snag two issues from the stack and Ben and I find a seat in the back row near the window.

The thing about the Unitarians is that you never know if the service is going to strike you.  Some weeks, the excerpts from Annie Dillard and Thoreau coupled with the Joni Mitchell hymns are enough to lull me into a peaceful spiritual daydream.  Other weeks, though, the urgent calls for sharing positive energy for a sick cat and announcements about the upcoming youth talent pageant are enough to make me wish I was reading the corrections and clarifications section of the Sunday Times.

Last Sunday was one of these “cat” Sundays (as I call it to myself, hoping Ben won’t notice my obvious lack of enthusiasm).  So, out comes the Orion.  Autumn 1999. A beautiful quote about spirit from Scott Russell Sanders on the back cover.

Then, I turn first to the last page.  Somewhere along the line, I have fallen into the habit of reading magazines from back to front – partly, I think, because the back page tends to be shorter and more “big picture” than the hyper-informative articles and stories found up front.

So, Autumn, 1999.  Back page.  Coda.  “The Anchoviad” by Brian Doyle.

Perfect.  Just what I need to drown out the Cat Sunday whining and get something worthwhile out of the next 45 minutes or so.  (Ben knows he can ask “How much longer?” two or three times before I give him the quit-asking-or-you-put-your-donut-in-jeopardy look.)

As parent of three young boys, I am immediately pulled in to your essay by the list of items that each of your children sleep with. Bears and basketballs and tigers.  Yes, my wife and I have been there.  Searching the back yard with a flashlight to find “Bunny Bramble” or the new waffle ball bat. Kneeling in the dark van to find the blanket or Red Sox cap that will allow bed time to come to a peaceful end.

But I have to admit, we have never had canned anchovies in our bedtime ritual.  That, I’d venture to say, might be a Doyle-only phenomenon.

And yet, I understand the follow-up you describe.  Sitting in the dark, wondering about your son and how he came to want to sleep with packaged food. Why do we love the things we love? And how much do we know – will we ever know – about ourselves and/or the ones we love?

I sneak a peak over at Ben.  He is listening intently as the lines of candles of sharing participants go one-by-one to the microphone to express their heartfelt joys and sorrows. I notice Ben’s profile.  Note the location of two prominent freckles on this half of his face. I follow the curve of his ear -- how it resembles his Grandpa's. Notice the color of his eyes from this angle.

Ben goes on listening to the stories of sick relatives and the latest graduate degrees attained.  And his eyes move from speaker to candle and back each time.

I go back to my magazine, learn a few things that I never knew I didn’t know about anchovies, and quietly close it and slide it under my chair.

I spend the remainder of the hour stealing glances at my son.  I let my mind wander from fond memories of his past bedtime rituals to his current nightly habits and routines. I see him standing next to me and wonder what more I can do to truly know him. I daydream about who he will be in ten years – and remind myself to be sure he has his own flashlight.

Eventually the plate is passed, the main candle is extinguished and we are sent off to do another week of good on this earth.  Ben and I move quickly toward the parking lot, his pace noticeably quicker than an hour ago.  We weave through a Prius or two and make our way to our car.  Ben is in and buckled before I can even get the key in the ignition.

At Dunkin’ Donuts we order our favorites and find a seat near the door. Ben smiles as he pulls his donut from the bag and takes his first bite – leaving white powder on his chin and on the tip of his nose.

“Dad,” he says, not bothering to wipe the powder away before his next bite. “Have you ever lit a candle of joy at church?”

There is a bit of a pause -- interrupted briefly by the voice of a CNN reporter droning from the flat screen TV on the wall behind me.

“No, I haven’t,” I respond, looking down at my coffee before looking back up at Ben to finish my answer.  “But I think I will next week.”

Thank you, Brian, (and Orion) for helping convert what might have been a lost hour into a time of reflection.  Thank you for reminding me to take a long, deliberate look at my son and appreciate all that he is and all that he might be.

And, most of all, thank you for reminding me that all of this is a beautiful mystery – and not much else.


With gratitude,

Bill Diskin



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Two years later...

So it's been over two years and now I am adding a new post on Father's Day, 2012. Spent the day thinking about my mom and dad as I hiked at Crowders Mountain (North Carolina) with my family. My mom died in December, 2011 and I think I am still processing that. My dad died in June of 1998 -- which seems like forever ago at this point. I just read Cheryl Strayed's book, Wild -- and her thoughts on her mother's death are so interesting and engaging. That's a book everyone should read.

If you can only read one book this spring, read The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot. Absolutely fascinating.

Visit the Independent Tribune Poetry Corner

The Independent Tribune, the local newspaper in Concord, NC, is publishing poetry!

Check it out at http://www2.independenttribune.com/content/2009/aug/20/its-time-get-over-our-fear-poetry/lifestyles/

Our NPR affiliate in Charlotte produces a show called "Charlotte Talks". I was a guest as an "Average Joe" on the show in December.

Hear the podcast:

http://www.wfae.org/wfae/18_93_0.cfm?do=detail&id=9316

The Charlotte Observer recently published an op/ed piece that I wrote encouraging parents to look at private school tuition as an investment, not an expense:

Private school tuition a lasting investment

As the director of admission and financial aid at a local independent school, I have been asked -- almost daily since October -- if I think enrollment at my school will suffer because of the slumping economy.

And for a long stretch, I must admit that the best answer I could offer was “I’m not really sure.”

Uncertainty, after all, has been the one certainty in our lives the past several months.

More recently, though, I am able to respond with a bit more clarity. Families, it turns out, are making the commitment -- in spite of the struggling economy – and continuing to pay for their children’s Kindergarten through 12th grade education.

According to many reports, enrollments at independent (non-public) schools around the region, and the country, remain steady. And an informal survey of admission directors at other independent schools suggests that interest levels among prospective new families are similar to the past few years.

At our school in Cabarrus County, we are taking all the necessary steps to deliver our academic, arts, and athletics programs effectively and efficiently during a recession. And we expect that the economy will, at least temporarily, limit our opportunities to expand. But we are encouraged that so many of our core families are re-enrolling – and demonstrating that their children’s education is a priority.

No doubt, some might find all of this a bit surprising.

It makes sense, after all, that in a down economy, spending on luxury and other non-essential items would be the first to be cut from a family’s household budget. And, given the option to attend non-tuition based schools, it might be easy for a family to put “private school” tuition in the non-essential category.

The opposite, though, is turning out to be true.

While parents are certainly cutting out excess spending and tightening their fiscal belts, many are keeping tuition for their child’s education in the essential category. “I feel like my child needs the best education available -- now more than ever,” a young prospective parent told me during a campus tour recently. “This world has changed so much in such a short period. Nothing is predictable – and we all need to be able to adapt and adjust. I want my child in a school that will prepare her for such an unpredictable future.”

Interesting.

Like most schools, ours is doing all we can to accommodate new and returning families during this challenging economic period. We took the unprecedented step to freeze tuition rates for 2009-2010. We recognize that families are making sacrifices to keep their children enrolled, so we are making every effort to meet their needs where we can. That includes distributing our financial aid funding to as many qualified families as possible.

And there seems to be a silver lining. This economy is forcing families to reassess their priorities and look more closely at what they value.

And, as it turns out, many parents are cutting out unnecessary spending, but viewing their K-12 independent school tuition as an investment, not an expense. And, given the other options in the financial markets these days, they are eager to fund an investment that offers such a valuable payoff.

Noted for their safety, small class sizes, individual attention, and commitment to arts and athletics, independent schools have a reputation as outstanding learning communities. And for those parents who consider their child’s preparation for college as the ultimate payoff, independent schools are well-positioned to deliver.

“Colleges are looking more and more at the rigor of the high school curriculum,” our college counselor told a group of parents recently. “And colleges know that the curriculum, expectations, and overall preparation at independent schools are excellent. That gives our graduates an edge.”

And that, to parents, sounds like a lasting investment.

Bill Diskin is Director of Admission and Financial Aid at Cannon School in Concord.

Barack and Michelle Obama have set a great example for parents.

In the days since the election, the Obamas have demonstrated for the nation and the world their commitment to education. On the Thursday following the election – not even 48 hours after being elected President -- Mr. Obama and his wife met with their daughter’s teachers for parent conferences.

And since the election, we have seen several images of both Mr. and Mrs. Obama picking up and dropping off their daughters from school. And in a recent interview, Mr. Obama admitted that the morning after election night, Mrs. Obama’s first question was “Can you take the girls to school?”

Then, when President Bush invited the Obamas to visit the White House, the Obamas again made education a priority. Rather than spending that time measuring the White House drapes, Mrs. Obama visited a variety of schools in the D.C. area – looking for one that would be right for her daughters.

Some argue that, with the nation watching, the President-elect and his wife should have chosen to send their two young daughters to a Washington D.C. public school. Instead, the Obamas chose to enroll their daughters at Sidwell Friends, a D.C. independent school that has a history of enrolling the children of elected officials who live and work in our nation’s capital. (Chelsea Clinton attended Sidwell while her family lived in the White House.)

I believe that the Obamas have sent a very positive message to parents all over the country. They revealed to the nation that the education of their children is a priority in their lives. They are actively involved as partners in their daughters’ education and learning. They care about where their daughters go to school – and they are willing to look for options if their neighborhood school isn’t the right fit for their children.

The Obamas took the time to research the school options in their new community. They visited a variety of schools in the metro D.C. area – meeting with school administrators and teachers, observing classes, and asking questions about the mission and philosophy of each school. In the end, they chose a school that they feel will best serve their daughters’ educational needs.

That, I think, is the kind of parent involvement that will make a difference in a child’s life. And that, I believe, is the first step in holding our schools accountable for the education that they offer.

Indeed, our nation’s public schools need an overhaul. No Child Left Behind did not work. Gigantic schools in huge school districts will not work. And it will take the support and involvement of influential civic leaders and parents to move forward with meaningful and effective school reform.

But rather than criticize the Obamas for selecting an independent school for their daughters, we should look at their actions and ask what we -- as parents and community leaders -- can learn from them.

How can we encourage more parents to take an active and supportive role in the education of their children? How can schools, public or private, meet the needs of children – and of parents who want to be active partners in their child’s education? What is it about independent schools like Sidwell Friends and others that make them appealing to parents who are committed to education and lifelong learning?

I believe the answers to these questions can be the starting place for school reform. We can not – and should not – simply rely on symbolic gestures from elected officials. We need to work together as parents, teachers, students, and citizens and ask ourselves “What is the best school for our children?”

Then, go out and find it.